There is one category of questioning that all young parents loathe: “Are you having more kids?”
For the record, yes. Matt and I want more kid(s). But it’s up to God when we have our next one.
I want to share with you, my readership, some thoughts on this question so that you can be more sensitive and understanding when broaching this topic with others.
First off, if you just met someone and they have not volunteered any information about more kids, assume they don’t want to talk about it. This is a good rule of thumb for all category of acquaintances, actually. But. If you *do* ask, and they answer yes or no or maybe someday, give them a moment. If they clam up or change the topic, then drop it. They don’t want to talk about it. And that’s OK.
Parents do NOT have to justify their parent numbering choices. To ANYONE. Some people will only have 1 kid, and others will have twelve. Families look different everywhere, and for a multitude of reasons. And scoffing at a big family for bringing more children into the world or berating a parent for giving their child no sibling, these are insensitive and inappropriate ways of talking to parents. We already feel judged. All the time. We make the best choices we can, and we take the children God blesses us with, and that’s that.
Things that are very ok to say:
– You are a great parent.
– You’d be a great parent to multiple children.
– You have a big heart.
– Kids love you.
– I marvel at your patience/creativity/nurturing.
– What a sweet relationship you have with your child.
I write this from personal experience, but also from conversations with MULTIPLE parents who dread being asked about their plans for future children. I just ask you: please try to be sensitive, do more listening than talking, and (when in doubt) just avoid the topic entirely.
Xoxo
Erin
5/7/2013
– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We were always asked when we were gonna have kids by family & a few friends. What they didn’t know was that we had been trying for a year & were carrying the weight of infertility & losses only we carried. Understandably not something ppl tend to consider right off but painful none the less.
This is EXACTLY the kind of situation I wish people could be more sensitive about. ((Hugs)) I’m sorry that you had to go thru those experiences. But thank you for sharing your life here. I hope it can help others.
Its a question that people ask in polite conversation and curiosity… like asking “What do you do?” about people’s careers. Unfortunately, there are unknown things sometimes that can make those questions painful. I would hope, if my asking someone ever caused some harm, that I would get the hint and drop it or that friend would be understanding of my excusable ignorance to their experience and politely respond however they are comfortable.
Many people ask if we want more and I dont mind. Of course, if I was aggressively asked “when???” then I think I would be on the defense too.
Amen! And I think there’s a big difference between “Would you like to have more kids?” and “When are you having more kids?” Interestingly enough in the multiples community the dreaded comment is “You’re done with having kids, right?” Like it’s a given that you’re done. These questions all roll off my back because I haven’t dealt with infertility but I certainly know plenty of people who have and know that this light hearted questions can be a very difficult topic. Side note why are there so many things said over the size of a pregnant belly or over breastfeeding choices? Like when is it ever okay to make such bold comments to total strangers? For some reason having babies involved gives people a pass to act like idiots.